


Sleeping with You (but still so far)

by Nighthawk88



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-01-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:02:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5711869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nighthawk88/pseuds/Nighthawk88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Carmilla’s been brooding... Now, I’ve been quite patient with you both up to this point, but there’s really only so much of the lovesick moping I can handle..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleeping with You (but still so far)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: as always, I don't own the Carmilla series, book, or any of the characters contained in either.  
> Inspired by Amanda Palmer's "Bed Song"

 

  
The first time you share a bed, it’s not a bed at all.

You’re on the run from Silas, together and with Laf and Perry, and you’re exhausted. You watch quietly as Carmilla lays out the sleeping bag on the ground being careful to make sure neither of you will be lying on anything other than grass or leaves. When the ground started shaking, you had very little time to gather anything. Most of what you did manage to gather was food, water and blood - though the last probably wouldn’t be good for very long without proper refrigeration, but you’d cross that bridge when you came to it (you’re strangely not against the thought of Carmilla drinking from you, but you really don’t even know how to bring that up). Perry was more thoughtful with what she chose to bring, so she and Laf have a pillow and a sleeping bag to share. Luckily for you, Carmilla thought to bring one for the both of you.

You haven’t talked much since you kissed. There hadn’t been time before you ran, and this was hardly the time to bring it up when you had zero privacy. So you’re just friends - sort of - maybe something more like girlfriends (do three hundred plus year old vampires use terms like girlfriends?) sharing a sleeping bag at night under the stars. There’s only the slightest bit of awkwardness as you slip into the bag beside her, her arms immediately wrapping around you and pulling you close before tugging the bag to seal you both off from the cold. You settle almost instantly against her and into the bundle of sweaters serving as a makeshift pillow for you to share.

It doesn’t matter that you’re in the middle of the Styrian forest or that you can hear your friends talking quietly just a few feet away from you, this is just about perfect. You slide your hand over hers your fingers sink into the spaces where hers part. You squeeze her hand slightly as she places a soft kiss on the top of your head.

It’s perfect, and you just want it to last forever.

\---

Carmilla somehow managed to find a stash of blankets in the library. You didn’t ask, and she didn’t volunteer the information. Neither of you has said much since you once again fled the campus. Carmilla just wraps a thick blanket around your shoulders and puts another rolled up blanket not too far from you in case you want to lie down. You’re still mostly lost in your thoughts, but you do manage a quiet, “Thanks.” She just nods and settles onto the floor just a few feet away from you with a book and a blanket. Neither one of you really wants to be too far away from the other, but neither of you can bring yourselves to get any closer. It feels as if there’s miles between you. You want to reach across, find some way to bridge that endless chasm. You don’t even know how to begin - honestly, you don’t even think you deserve to be able to.

From time to time, you can feel Carmilla’s eyes on you. Sometimes it even feels like she’s about to say something. She stays silent though, and you’re not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Eventually, you slump against that makeshift pillow she gave you and fall into an uneasy sleep. She wakes you some time later when your nightmares have you crying and screaming (At least, you think you’ve been screaming. She never mentions the screaming though, so maybe that’s just in your head). Carmilla never asks you about the nightmares, even though sometimes it looks like she wants to.

What a pair you make. She can’t bring herself to ask if you regret killing Vordenberg, and you can’t bring yourself to tell her that you’d decided you could let the world burn to save her. The thought of her dying has you shaking with night terrors, and you can’t even tell her that you’re in love with her.

\---

You eventually manage to put things right at Silas - exorcised the Dean from Perry, Danny and Kirsch were vampires, and Mattie wasn’t as dead as you’d originally thought. You ended up getting turned along the way too. Carmilla and Mattie (grudgingly) showed you the ropes and made sure you had a handle on your new unlife.

After Silas (that’s really the only way you ever think of it now), you and Carmilla end up traveling together. You never really talk about it (and you still haven’t managed to find a way to really talk), you just end up moving together from city to city, almost always sharing a bed (the only time you didn’t you woke up with Carmilla beside you after another nightmare).

You’re in Paris - Carmilla had been wistfully mentioning the art museums recently. Carmilla picked the apartment this time - a small loft with high ceilings and a giant bedroom with an even larger bed. Seriously, you freeze in the doorway for a moment the first time you walk into the room; it’s that huge. It reminds you of a larger version of the bed you shared in the Dean’s house - all dark, sinfully inviting silk sheets and covers. For a moment, you can’t stop your mind from going back to the nights in that bed, wrapped around Carmilla, above her, beneath her. You do your best to shove those thoughts from your head and walk past her to your usual side of the enormous bed. _“Probably still won’t be able to stay on your own side,”_ you think to yourself. You catch the slight flinch from Carmilla and realize that you probably said that out loud, and you’re sure she thought you were talking about her rather than yourself.

You don’t try to explain though because you know you’ll just end up a rambling mess, but maybe you should have because she settles on the very edge of her side when you go to sleep. You both wake up on her side with your body half draped over hers. You still don’t talk about it.

\---

You’re still traveling together when you get word that Laf and Perry aren’t doing so well. They were the only two of your original group to remain human, and while time seemed to stop for you, they were both in their late eighties.

You’re going to go by yourself to see them, and Carmilla decides to visit Mattie for a while. It’s a bit frightening in a way - you and Carmilla have hardly been apart for almost seventy years - but maybe you both need some time apart. Because though you may have been together for years, you’ve been stuck in this holding pattern where you live together, you sleep together, and you see things you’d never imagined you’d get to see with her, but you still don’t talk about it. And you’ve certainly never moved past it.

You think that maybe Carmilla feels the same way, because for the first time since Silas, she pulls you close and kisses you and as you both tumble into bed together you’re not sure if you’re crying because you’re happy or because you’re sad. You just know that you’ve missed this - so much - and you’re not sure what it means for you both or if this is just goodbye. There’s definitely something to be said for having vampiric constitution during sex - which you knew before, but you didn’t really get it until just now - because it’s really late in the morning when you both fall asleep in a tangle of limbs.

Carmilla’s gone when you wake up.

Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes even though you knew that you were both leaving to go your separate ways today. Still you’d thought… You really don’t know what you’d been thinking. It just makes it even more clear to you that you both really need this time apart.

Though you do feel a little better when you find the note she left on the nightstand for you.

_Not goodbye, Cupcake._

\---

It was harder than you thought it would be when Laf and Perry passed. JP, Danny and Kirsch were there with you for the end, and the four of you stayed together for a while after. It was almost like old times - if you ignored the fact that you missed Laf, Perry and Carmilla. All too quickly, however, you felt yourself needing to get away. So, you kept moving. Sometimes you stayed in places you’d visited with Carmilla, other times you went to entirely new places - never to any new places she’d mentioned wanting to show you though.

Ten years later, you’re sitting in a coffee shop in the States when you practically feel the shift in the air, even before you see her. It’s that sense of feeling another predator, another vampire - like the hairs on the back of your neck standing up. Mattie doesn’t even put up the pretense of getting something from the barista, she just sits in the chair opposite you. You try to ignore her for a moment, not even looking up from your magazine, but she’s always been good at waiting you out. Ultimately though, you give in - just like she knew you would - with a sigh placing the magazine none too gently on the table. She just looks amused at your frustration, which makes you glare just a bit. “If you need help deciding, I’d recommend the hot chocolate,” you remark dryly.

Mattie just smirks a bit, knowing she got under your skin. It might be more annoying except you pretty much got over your dislike of Mattie years ago. In fact, over the years you’d even admitted to yourself that you kind of liked her - and not just for Carmilla’s sake - even if Mattie does still take great pleasure in winding you up whenever she gets the chance.

“We both know I didn’t come here for the hot chocolate, Laura. Carmilla’s been brooding over the fact that you didn’t come find her years ago. Now, I’ve been quite patient with you both up to this point, but there’s really only so much of the lovesick moping I can handle before I just lock you both in a room together until you resolve your issues.”

If you weren’t an eighty-eight year old vampire and above such things, you might have squirmed a bit. Mattie doesn’t give you a chance to respond. She stands, towering over you. “Fix this, before I decide that I don’t like you as much anymore.” She drops a piece of paper on the table in front of you and walks out.

You pick up the note. It’s just an address, one just on the other side of the city, but it makes your stomach flutter in ways that you haven't felt since your last night with Carmilla. It only takes a moment for you to make the decision, you don’t even do it consciously. You toss the rest of your hot chocolate and walk out of the small cafe. You catch a cab, but halfway there your left leg is bouncing so rapidly that you tell the driver to pull over, shove too much money in his hand and walk the rest of the way. You hope the movement will help calm you down, but you're still a nervous mess when you find yourself standing in front of townhouse Mattie had directed you to.

You knock quietly on the door, but you know she heard you. You hear the faint rustle of pages as she puts a book down, fabric swishing softly and footsteps moving until you hear them stop right on the other side of the door.

It opens and she's all you can see. She looks just as beautiful as she always has, and how did you manage to stay away from her for ten years? There's that same cautious, hopeful look that she had that moment so long ago in your old dorm - the day you told her she deserved better.

“Hey,” you cringe when you hear the word tumble from your lips. It feels so dumb, you should be saying something to make up for all the years of silence. ‘Hey’ doesn't come anywhere near meaningful.

“Hey.”

OK, maybe you feel a little better now. “Can I come in?”

There's a smile at the corner of her mouth as she steps back to let you in. There's only a moment of awkwardness before you've both settled together on her couch. You almost start crying because it's the first time since everything fell apart that you've fit together like this - effortlessly.

You're talking before you're thinking, and the words don't stop for a while. It’s a good thing you're a vampire and that vampires don't need to breathe because you don't stop talking until Carmilla cuts you off suddenly. Her mouth covers yours stealing the words before they can leave your lips again. She eventually pulls back, just enough to rest her forehead against yours and stare into your eyes.

“Say that again.”

It takes a moment for you to understand, but then you grin. “I love you.” Now that you've said it, you can't seem to stop - not that she minds if that smile is any indication.

It doesn't fix everything, not right away, and you know better than to expect it to. But it's a start. The first real start you’ve had at repairing your relationship.

You don't move from the couch until you need blood almost a whole day later.

**End.**

 


End file.
